I used to smile, none of that fake bullshit that I parade around everyday; true smiles, ones of joy and fulfillment. I used to laugh and dance with no thought given towards the outcome… but that doesn’t happen any more. I worry over each and every crook, wondering why I can’t be happy; wondering why I am unable to complete mundane activities. There are days where I cannot move because I am scared of what will become of me, for every single time I have tried I have failed. I have lost hope and I now condemn my every movement; each thought and meaningless care.
I long to return to an earlier time, one where I can follow this dance of life with a genuine affection. I want to be able to enjoy my time spent alone and find inspiration in more then just my melancholy mood. Necessary this regression will be for I am plummeting down a never ending hole of despair and drought. Dreary moods bounce along the walls of the petty cells that hold me, reproaching and consuming anything of merit that I allow. Shucked; in the cellar of my consciousness I lie, torn apart and reassembled…. Put back together but without the parts that made me who I was. It is lost and I fear that it is gone forever; shredded and fiercely burned as if a martyred lover.
Before I lost myself I was a happy soul, one with dreams and desires but now I am nothing more than a rotten corpse dirtied with the dregs of a past life. Of a life not my for now I am a a dying recluse, floating down the muddy stream of destitute illusion. I long for a prior form; before I lost myself.