I’m not quite sure why it is I lose all sense of relief…. But I do, occasionally… Maybe not just that, often I guess… I will fall into these states of what I would lie to call disillusion. I wade slowly, toes first into the deep dark freak filled holes of my mind. My thoughts lose all preconceived shape and directed form. I will begin to feel my being float away…. I float deeper and deeper down a river of pessimism and despair… And I mean frankly, it feels nice. I’m not floating upon anything specifically physical, its more so a delivered concept. One that has been conceived and created within a space deprived of realism… I’m not quite sure the words to choose for it because its this feeling, this state, and it really is very odd. It is quite the opposite of a cloud; not fluffy but dense and heavy… It is not bright and happy for it looks as the darkest black and reeks of depressive antidotes. Most importantly a cloud floats, and this river I find my self engulfed in does not… Any part of it, float… It sucks all of you up, your mind, your body, your hopes and your memories…. Seeping into my being the darkness then wiggles into every fold of my rest seeking mind.
And I find that once I’m feeling a bit better (its always eventually happened so far), I towel off, and I get the darkness to dissipate and leave my body….. But in those aforementioned folds, they have inscribed within, a memory. And every time I lose my flaccid hopes and ambitions, my tumultuous lucidity seems to evaporate…. The dark river, it leaves behind a certain type of savagery within the folds of my sordid self…. The next time I lapse into another one of my states, and I find myself once again upon a blackened river… it is always worse than the last time I was enveloped, because that darkness has stuck itself to me…. it has become rooted inside of my action and intent. I really do not want to fear for what that could lead to but it seems that I am turning spoiled, rotten as any could.
This is just sorta how I view/explain my states of…. not being myself, whether it be the physical pain or dread that pounces on me every few days… the despair is drawn to me and continues to build up until I snap out of my state. I still really haven’t figured out how to escape from my tumbles… It just seems to happen.