Thoughts of illiterate desire delude my attentions constantly, rewriting my intentions and stranding continuity. The plain writings of my past make me lose sight of a greater goal where I have found solidified love a necessity. Which is something I have yet to find sadly, but within a mash of allure I adopt devotion in the ideas of time. What I have found though is hope, which was something I lacked for quite a long time. Hope that I will one day attract something greater than my feeble will and polarize my past desires. For life truly allows for very little unless meaning is constructed and nurtured towards the end goal of true devotion. Maybe I am being a daft romantic, but the idea of non traditional monogamy truly seems ideal to me. Having someone to depend upon and someone who you grant complete and utter trust to. A person who you can cry to without fear of malicious judgment, and provide comfort before the waves crash down.
Placing hope in chance is all I can do for investment in uncertainties will undoubtedly destroy the hope that I have fostered. Although I may seem strong or solid, I am not, my sanity resides upon a crack filled floor housed above an eternal void of instability. If I neglect repair and decide to abuse I am sure that my shaky base will crumble and my undivided beliefs will be forgotten. I am lost at sea and need to find a decided shore that will accept and understand my refuse.
One of the things that most upsets me is when a misinformed says I am doing well or says that they are so glad that I got well. As if they fucking know what I go through every day, the struggles of belief and restless needs. I send attention towards release and overt loss, for there are many days where I relapse to a time when I longed for darkness, when I needed the stark silence of death. These times harken up ideas that I need solidarity in order to hide my corpulent composition.
What I mean to say(in short) is that many believe that my depression has faded, but they fail to realize how encompassing it all truly is. My intellectual flaws are something that I must endure every single day and telling me to release hope is more destructive than any may know. I do not know where I will fall and flail, but in this moment it is certain that hope is my greatest drive and concurrent weakness. It leaves me open to erosion and delusion, and similarly also allows happiness and meaningful desire passage. Unrelenting muster may be my greatest achievement thus far. Disallowing inherent opposition I attempt,
Noah
Nurtured Beliefs of Desperate Angles
Left for meaning the poor desire was eluded,
Fondled and twisted by outside forces,
They were told of an unlikely recovery,
So without a care it began,
She rewound time upon the stars,
And realized the true meaning of concise devotion,
Unbeknownst to the majority it was conceded,
This single illusion carried out by the many,
And the few who seek punctual solidarity,
Were released to the frigid grasp of death,
Combusted fumes leak from their corpses,
Driven to exhaustion by depth of consciousness,
Philosophers knew little of what she pursued,
For they deluded into a loss of ambition,
Meaning not to destroy,
Lost within a singularity,
She searched,
And hoped,
And waited.
Accounts of a Flailing Mind 
Noah…I feel very much like you do about “hope”…
<<>>
I do believe that sometimes “hope” is all we have and all that keeps us going…I worked on “crisis lines” for many years and often talked with people in unbearable despair…we talked a lot about hope and how all might seem very dark at the time of the call and discussed whether they could see things possibly changing even a little bit…hope was really all I had to offter them and it seemed to be something that some could grab onto.
People that have never suffered from depression cannot possibly imagine what agony it is. When we seem to have a better day than usual, they think (hope) that we are on the mend…but of course, we are not. People who have never suffered from depression have no idea…my sister told me that she thinks people who suffer from depression are “just spoiled”…can you imagine anything as inane as that???
On my darkest days, I do hang on to hope and I hope that you can do so also. FWIW, I do believe in what you describe as “non traditional monogamy” (btw, what is the difference between traditional and non-traditional monogamy?)…I have been fortunate to find it…doesn’t mean that it’s been perfect but pretty close.
My husband and I are leaving for CA in a couple of days. We’ll be gone for 6 weeks and I look forward to hearing your feelings/thoughts while I’m away. I remember one of your first posts here…the one that showed such insight into how you could help yourself from going to a very dark place…it helped me a lot…I must go back and read it again.
Take care, Noah…J.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What I meant by traditional monogamy was the “happy wife, happy husband and three perfect kids”, and the desire to find the perfect one person who you will love forever, The nuclear family as some call it. When writing this I imagined non traditional monogamy as a relationship based on mutual respect and intent. A relationship where the two involved embrace the idea that they may not always be together and learn to cherish the moments they spend together. I don’t really believe in love as most do, I feel that it is just an emotion. What makes it special though is the ability to keep it alive within a relationship, to keep that flame burning and make sure that it doesn’t burn out. Not many are able to do it and I believe its because people fail to accept the fragility of love. In this I was viewing a “nontraditional marriage” as one where people recognize the inherent faults with the way we perceive relationships.
And to the rest of what you said, it truly does sadden me to see people dismiss mental illness like that. The act itself is grotesque, but most would gawk at seeing that word applied to their actions, because they don’t see the error in what they just said.
Thanks for reading, it means a lot that its helped you. I hope you enjoy your trip.
Noah
LikeLike
Thanks for the explanation. I think I understand. I would agree that people “fail to accept the fragility of love”…my husband and I are more aware of the fragility of love now that we are older and know that there’s not a huge amount of time left for us to enjoy one another. We were more careless in our younger days, I must admit….J.
A few days ago, a younger couple visited us…the husband used to work for my husband many years ago and we both liked him and his wife from the get go. We hadn’t seen them in nearly 20 years…anyway, we had a lovely visit and I was struck by how supportive they were of one another. The husband suffers from seasonal affective disorder and physical issue also which is not easy to cope with… he is very bright, which I’m sure you can relate to…they were just as sweet and supportive to one another the other day as they were all those years ago…I would definitely say that they both accept and honor the “fragility of love”…so it can happen and is lovely to witness…J.
LikeLike
It is definitely nice to see people like that.. Refreshing compared to the norm, divorces and whatnot.
LikeLike