This isn’t for art or anything of much importance but I just wanted to share what I experienced earlier.
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I was taking a shower, the water was quite warm, and I was the only currant occupant of the house. I wasn’t paying mind to anything much and was in the process of washing my hair when I heard a very deep scream from the end of the hall. Now to understand how, surprising and unsettling this was I will give some more details. Our bathroom has two entrances, one leading to the bedroom (this door was shut) and another door which opens up to a hallway about thirty feet long (this door was open), which leads to the basement entrance of the house.
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The view I had from the shower.
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Since the water coming from the shower head was very hot, the whole of the bathroom was enveloped in steam. Normally I find this soothing and comforting, but now all it served to do was obstruct the view I had of the hallway. The view only given to me since I had forgotten to shut the second bathroom door. I could see only partway down the hallway, not quite enough to see its end. I quickly jerked around to look towards the source of the scream but saw nothing. I kept my eyes open for a few seconds more, alert and searching, until I realized the shampoo was burning my eyes. I blinked hurriedly and the began to wash the soap from my hair. As soon as I had shut my eyes there was another, shallower scream that seemed to come from outside of the house. I ripped open my eyelids once more and stared down the doorway leading to the sound, and I kept watch till I had finished washing myself.
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I jumped out of the shower, bashed my toe against the metal door and rushed to close the second bathroom door. I dried myself off, and kept going on with my night.
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I thought that this was very good show of how my “hallucinations” can disrupt my everyday life. This wasn’t anything reality shattering(as they often aren’t), but it was definitely a shock to the system, and something that I feel I would have been much better off without,
Right now it’s not as if I really want to die… But I don’t want to deal with anything, with walking talking… I don’t even want to fucking breathe for it feels as if I’m sucking up nothing but the putrid fumes of others. I’m tired, bored disheveled and unimpressed with everything that I see…. Save for one but even she can’t escape my heads frothing delusion as she gets wrapped up within my own falsely concluded melodramatic fantasies…. My fears and terrors find my only good and thirst for its purity and angelical beauty. It scares me how vividly I feel without fair cause.
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My whole life revolves around this cyclical ride of extreme ups and downs. I’m erratic then I am responsible, I am depressed then I am overjoyed, everything is meaningless then everything is meaningful…. It becomes awfully fucking tiring… I become exhausted and because the good does outweigh the bad people always go on about how Ive just got to deal with the bad shit. The bad it so imcomparably disgusting though that going through that leaves a trail behind the experience of it. It seems to infect the good that I do have and muddy up it all.
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n
I have in the past touched briefly on my hallucinations, whether it be simply visual snow or artifacts my best has been done to properly explain the texture, color, and size of distortions that I encounter. Up to this point I do feel that overall I’ve been almost completely ineffective at sharing what I see, though in my defense it is tough to accurately represent something visual in words… especially hallucinations. So I devoted a drunken day and spent it representing my visual states visually.
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Making tea to calm my stomach
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Obviously it would have been incredibly hard to create perfect replicas of what I see but what I did was take pictures of what I was looking at and then manipulated the picture until it looked as I remembered seeing it… That is to say the images are actually incredibly close to reality, at least my own. Within my everyday life these are common occurrences and though they don’t make up the whole of my perceptions they are most definitely often happening… For the most part it isn’t untruth wholly created within my head but my mind’s insolence seems to manifest itself in small distortions of my vision. The most common one likely being a flickering or white noise that flows down walls and flat surfaces…. Every time I look at a wall there is a film of moving perspective washing over it. Placed above the surface there is moving swirling and flickering, giving a droll sort of life to those inanimate objects. Sometimes it will alter colors as well, adding an odd tint to my vision. It will come on like this; I will be going about my tasks as I should, completely unruffled… then I will look at something that I know quite well and realize that it is off in some way. Its too bright, too vivid and completely thee wrong hue, then I will look around and realize that everything is a little off… Ill shrug and move on because it isn’t that big of a deal. The visual snow as well is almost a constant and I actually never noticed it for the longest time because…. well it was just there and thats what it looked like… but then I actually began to think about it a little bit and realized it was not normal. The static and artifacts I think can actually be quite closely related to myodesopsia.
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“Look how pretty the lights are!”
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For the most part these are generally unobtrusive, since it’s just distortions on my perceptions and not simply fabricated perceptions I can generally work around them. Actually in many cases what I see can be quite beautiful. Whether it be swirling colors or floating shapes it’s always new and incredibly interesting to look at, with expanding geometric patterns and occurrences they can hold my thoughts for hours. What does cause me fright though is complete fabrications (what you’d think of when you hear hallucination) and my misinterpretation of faces. My head does conjure up things that are not in any sense true and right, things that are more often than not absurd ex. A thumb falling off and rolling away/ A human head rolling out from under some bushes/ or a shadow following closely/. Now frankly those can be be incredibly surprising and halting experiences that cause me to falter in thought but over all I guess you could say that the visions are appreciated.
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trying to clear up the blurriness
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Now the next big format of hallucination is facial distortions, these are frightening, debilitating, and simply unnecessary and certainly unappreciated. This happens in one of two ways 1. I cannot remember a face of someone I know well or 2. A face (either my own or another’s) begins to drip/melt and become misshapen.
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Imagine walking to a mirror and looking at your own face and having it not be your own, seeing someone most certainly… but someone who isn’t truly you. You’re standing there pale as white china trying to find some semblance of a self in your reflection and your eyes start to drop into your head and your pupils seem to be leaking down your cheeks. Your nose forehead and brow becomes exaggerated and the proportions of your face begin to delve in to fantasy. You’re lost in the reflection so fascinated by its lack of resemblance to much of anything and then it begins to hit you. Walloped dead center in the middle of your chest with existential terror. Who are you? Who is that in the mirror? WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?
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fuck… time to sleep
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There has been more than just a few occasions where faces have rightfully fucked me up… Its due to this seemingly relapsing inability to process expression, or simple what a face is. I try to avoid looking at faces often when intoxicated because that only intensifies the inaccurate perceptions in an absolutely horrifying way.
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not quite seeing double
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I will eventually update with more explanation/images but for now i think this is plenty
~ n
“get a breath of fresh air”my arm is looking a little pink“you alright? take a seat.”who’s there?it does make everything more lively though
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Am I still sinking?
Because I know for a fact
I’ve become heavier than before
Lead bellied and weighed down
Too heavy to move or to breathe
I need to jump up and run free
Dance around in glee
But first I must knock off
This heaviness that’s
Stuck onto my chest
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n
Accounts of a Flailing Mind 